Come on, the word Hurri is right in there

I have a theory that about hurricanes.

People aren't evacuating fast enough when a hurricane is heading their way. Then they get caught in a terrible natural disaster and end up on CNN crying over how their mailbox blew away and got lodged in a palm tree.

I don’t blame people for not running in terror upon hearing of the impending destruction of hurricane Stan. To me, Stan sounds like a slightly overweight, balding accountant who enjoys taffy and cleaning his fish tank.

If I were told that Stan was blowing into town I would probably lazily pack my things, perhaps labeling the boxes to make for easy unpacking. I would check my email, have a snack, fill up the car with gas and make my way inland.

This is the problem. You just can’t take Stan seriously.

Now, if people at the Hurricane Headquarters would start picking more terrifying names things might change.

Say your average Floridian turns on the news and sees that big, swirly, purple mass heading towards their house. They turn the volume up and listen as the weatherman says that Hurricane JaggedShardsofGlass or Hurricane WhipsVolkswagonsInToHotels is headed their way. Well I bet that they would drop their glass of orange juice, grab their cat, jump in their car and speed off before the next commercial.

For the safety of the nation, I think all weathermen should be required to take a course in fear mongering and should be trained to lower their voice a few octaves when pointing out the predicted path of destruction of Hurricane BlowsTheShinglesOffYourRoofAndInToYourNeighboursCranium.

Narcoleptics may be on to something...

As written semi-coherently on various scraps of hotel paper...

1:03 Am

Why, why, why can't I fall asleep... I'm confident that i'm the only person on the east coast who is still awake.

I've tried every sleep inducing technique I can think of in the hopes of catching just a few hours of shut-eye. This includes long division, and I hate long division.

If I fall asleep right now, I will only get 3 and a half hours of sleep.

Not good.

After lying here for almost 4 hours, my mind has wandered a bit. Here is some thoughts I have had...

TV
-King of Queens is not funny
-For a 24 hour news channel, CNN has very little actual news.
-Children shows are getting increasingly creepy.
-Everybody Loves Raymond is on at least 4 channels at any given time and I think it should stop.

Terrorism
-I'm willing to bet that nudist colonies have pretty low rates of suicide bombings, Perhaps it's something worth looking into.
-I have not yet, but very much would like to see a Chicken Soup for the Jihadists Soul. Come on Jack Canfield, get with the times.
-Instead of investing all our time and money into policing to prevent terrorist attacks, why not use some of our resources to get to the root of the problem (ie: poverty, isolation) Regardless of how good our security systems are, its only a matter of time before something slips past us.

Animals
-Why all the secrecy between species? Why aren't we able to communicate with any species outside of our own? What do they have to hide?
-There should be a law against people walking cats. Its stupid and no one is enjoying themselves.
-Someone should club Paul McCartney with a baby seal. For a guy who hails from a country that pretty much invented hunting for pleasure, maybe you should be a little less self-righteous.
-Someone should club Ted Nugent with Paul McCartney
-What is the point of a donkey?
-Rhino's are pretty rediculous animals, if I had a giant horn on my head you can bet that I'd be hellbent on using it to poke people into submission

2:00am

Well, I have to get up pretty soon. I'm now at the point where I am hoping someone will crack me on the head with a frying pan just so I can get a few blissful moments of unconciousness. Since that seems to be unlikely, I'm going to get back to listening intently to the strange noises coming from my mini-fridge. Tomorrow is going to be a long day...

Wish me luck.

Unpleasant

I thought she was kidding at first. There is no way that she just asked me to do that...is there?

On the flight home from the Caribbean, a lady marched up to me and told me that I needed to make an annoucement.

"What seems to be the problem?" I asked, innocently enough

"Someone in front of me keeps farting, and I need you to make an announcement over the PA telling him to go to the bathroom" she explained

"I'm sorry Ma'am, there is no way that I can make an announcement like that. I'm sure that if he has to go, he'll go."

"Well I need you to do something, it smells awful out there and I might get sick, just tell him that I can't sit there anymore if he is going to continue." she complained

"Unfortunately there isn't anywhere for me to move you, and I can't force anyone to visit the lavatory. You are welcome to stay back here in the galley for a while if you like." I offered

"Ugh, no, I'll go back to my seat even though it smells terrible."

3 hours and 10 minutes to go...



"

Here a Woo, There a Woo, Everywhere a Woo Hoo

Things have gotten out of hand regarding nicknames and I feel that we should rally together to put a set of rules into place.

While I’m all for nicknames I do believe that they should follow certain guidelines. I came to this conclusion after working with a lady who insisted that we refer to her by her self-invented nickname, Woo.

Pete is a nickname, Woo is not.

You cannot imagine how embarrassing it is to introduce the flight attendants to the passengers

“At standing mid-cabin we have Woo...yes I'm serious, Woo...”

It also, as it turns out, is much more difficult then you might think not to add that ever-so-tempting 'hoo' to the end of it.

It becomes quite confusing when your nickname is a sound people make when excited.

Woo! My team scored.

Or

Woo! I won a million bucks!

And once we've let a couple of Woo's slip by, whats to stop people from calling themselves Beep, Thud, Swish, or even Vroom?

There are plenty of excellent nickname alternatives without having to resort to random sounds. Doing so will prevent people from immediately assuming that you’ve suffered a pretty severe blow to the head the minute they hear your nickname.

For the sake of all involved, please stick to some of the more commonly used nicknames.

Snakes on a Plane? Pfffft...

You may have heard of the new movie out called “Snakes on a Plane”…

Well I have complied a list of things that I’ve seen on a plane that are scarier than snakes.

-The 90lbs woman verses the 90lbs bag
-A bag full of vomit (which was placed into my hand)
-A steaming soggy diaper (which incidentally was also placed into my hand)
-Morbidly obese women climbing the stairs in the hot Florida sun
-A man walking into the lavatory with a newspaper tucked under his arm
-Babies named Meadowlark
-Dark stains on the carpet outside the lavatory
-Our “non-perishable” blueberry muffins (The expiry date is in November?!)
-In-bred, yappy, vicious Chihuahuas

How about a movie in which Samuel L Jackson gets tackled by a morbily obese woman and falls into a pile of steaming diapers and vomit bags. Meanwhile the 90lbs woman asks the newspaper man about the dark stains, who then gets mad and throws a in-bred Chuhuahua at her which lands on the lady who named her baby Meadowlark, who then chokes on her "non-perishable" blueberry muffin. Stephen King should be taking notes.

What a Wonderful World

I have lost more faith in the survival of the human race by handing out complimentary snacks then through any other means.

I will briefly describe a typical conversation between a passenger and myself.

“Would you like pretzels or cookies?”

“Yes”

“Umm, which one would you like?”

“What are you selling?”

“Would you like complimentary pretzels or cookies?”

“Oh, what is in the pretzels?”

“Pretzels”

“Are they kosher?”

“I don’t believe they are Sir.”

“Hmm…”

(Pause for a good 25 seconds)

“Well maybe I will have the cookies then”

Now imagine this happening 136 times in a row and you can probably see why I am predicting the complete extinction of our species by 2015.

100 Things

Baa. Clearly I am a sheep. I'm stealing your idea Jenne because I loved reading your list.

100 things about me:

1. I love to travel
2. Its easier to list the places that I don’t want to go than the places that I do (China and Australia by the way)
3. I want to go to Colombia more than anywhere else in the world
4. I love to own maps, even though I can’t read one
5. Math is my mortal enemy
6. I’m almost done my degree in Political Science
7. And for the first time in my life, don’t have a real plan for the future
8. I have a lot of respect for journalists who risk their lives to find the truth
9. The Dalai Lama is my hero
10. Although I’m an atheist, I bet I would be a pretty good Buddhist
11. I tried to be a vegetarian
12. Twice
13. I have never had a good haircut in my life
14. I hate to watch plays and musicals
15. I don’t understand Shakespeare
16. I spend far to much time reading about poverty and AIDS orphans
17. I would love to dedicate my life to working in a third world country
18. I am embarrassed when I stay in fancy hotels
19. I would rather work in them than stay in them
20. Tattoos fascinate me
21. But I worry that I would regret getting one
22. I have big dreams
23. I hate brand name labels because they are elitist
24. I wish I was fluent in Spanish
25. I don’t know what to do with free time anymore
26. I love my job, but not the uniform
27. I want to adopt kids from poor countries
28. The Notebook made me cry
29. My least favorite movie of all time was ALI
30. Not many people share my sense of humor, but I love it when they do
31. I’m liberal
32. I lose respect for people who believe in astrology
33. I don’t believe in aliens, ghosts or bigfoot
34. I wish I could have met Che Guevara
35. Repetitive noises make me angry instantly
36. Once I eat one mint, I have to eat the whole pack
37. I don’t understand how the internet works…or fax machines
38. I feel sorry for terrorists because people think they are evil
39. I want Tibet to be free
40. I want to write a novel one day
41. I think vanity and arrogance are the two worst traits in a person
42. But I think I’m arrogant
43. I’m very idealistic
44. But I don’t think that it is a bad thing
45. I get very upset by homeless people
46. And old people
47. I am terrified of suffocating
48. I get frustrated when people don’t care about poverty like I do
49. I wish I did yoga
50. I love the smell of the ocean
51. I spent one month driving around the States with my Dad and sister
52. And probably learned more there then a whole year in school
53. I’m secretly a romantic
54. I would like to get a pedicure
55. But my feet are too ticklish
56. I think my boyfriend is brilliant
57. My sisters work ethic amazes me
58. I prefer little dogs
59. I’m not very good with money
60. I’m pretty nerdy, but I think that’s okay
61. I hate onions
62. I wanted to be an astronaut
63. And a truck driver
64. I probably wouldn’t be good at either
65. I feel guilty when people keep parrots as pets
66. I don’t think Banff is that pretty
67. But I do think the prairies are
68. I can’t spell prairies without spellchecker
69. I avoid the little girl who lives next door
70. I’m sensitive
71. I have asthma
72. I drink a lot of coffee
73. And it has stained my teeth
74. I also love wine
75. And it has stained my teeth too
76. I want to do a wine tour
77. I love Disneyland
78. Even though its cliché
79. I don’t take my vitamins
80. I love Spanish music
81. But I hate techno
82. I’m uncomfortable around handicapped people
83. I don’t talk to many people from high school
84. My dog has no teeth
85. And it grosses me out
86. I don’t drink enough water
87. I get very cranky when I’m cold
88. I have bad allergies in the summer
89. I get hives when I touch horses
90. Which is okay because I hate riding horses
91. I would have been a good hippy
92. Or revolutionary
93. I love Mexico
94. I’ll probably never own another cat
95. I love to draw
96. And I’m pretty good at it
97. I’m irrational sometimes
98. But my Dad and sister are the most rational people I know
99. Milk makes me gag
100. I cried when my sister caught a fish
101. The Pork Fortress is a good idea...but i'll never admit it

The Great Child-Repelling Wonder

Kids don't like me.

Now, i'm not sure if they don't like me because i'm boring and ask them questions like "do you have a rewards card little boy?". Or if its a sub-atomic particle type of dislike, where I emit a child-repelling pheromone of some type.

Whatever the case may be children, as a people, dislike me. A conversation between a six year old and myself is usually something akin to the scene in Wedding Crashers with Vince Vaughn and the little boy. "Make me a bicycle clown!"

This conspiracy goes right to the top too. Even babies don't like me. I've been known to make them cry simply by walking by. Further investigation into this phenomenon will likely prove that even fetus's (Plural: Fetusi?) would squirt amniotic fluids in my eyes and calf-rope me with the umbilical if they had half a chance.

It's probably best for all involved if you don't ask me to hold your infant...I'm talking to you, mother of three in 18A.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir;

On behalf of flight attendants and humanity in general I plead with you to take this into consideration next time you fly.

Save your gut-busting, vomit inducing, God-awful bowel movements until you have exited the plane. Please. Please save me from another episode of dry-heaving into the corner.

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but we're inside a sealed metal tube, 41,000 feet in the air. There is no where for us to go. Once you've completed a mass exodus from the depths of your colon, we are forced to sit in the stench of it, work it in and for some of us in particular, gag in it while rolled up in fetal position.

I know that sometimes there are emergencies, but please keep in mind that I don't follow you into work and crap on your desk.

Use your discretion.

Creepy Crawlies and Creepy Flight Attendants

"Yeah, I get tested every three months, just to be safe"

Gross.

Tim seemed like a pretty normal guy aside from that last comment, but something about being so promiscuous that you feel the need to be tested every three months for STD's just didn't seem right.

I mentally went over everything I knew about STD's. Can they crawl, like say across a jumpseat?

I inched over, just to be safe.

Peanuts

"Pretzels or Cookies?"

"Peanuts."

"Uh, I have pretzels and I have cookies..."

"PEANUTS."

Now, at this point I was thinking...

"Sir, the problem isn't that I can't hear you. You're speaking plenty loud enough. The problem is that I don't actually have peanuts. I have cookies and I have pretzels, you can even have both if you promise to fall asleep immediately. I'm also not withholding my secret stash of delicious salty peanuts, which I will shortly consume in the back with the other flight attendants, I simply don't have any to give you."

What I said was...

"Here are your pretzels sir!"

Big, toothy airline smile.

"Enjoy..."

6 Simple Rules

Please stop....please stop talking...

"So anyway, then I said 'I'm not short, i'm just vertically challenged!" "HAHAHA"

Oh my God, please stop talking...

I think people need a refresher course in social cues, particularly the Flight Attendant I worked with a few weeks ago. After about 12 hours of listening to her constant nattering about mindless things such as the "The art and science of de-pilling pants" and "How to keep banana bread moist, without using oil” I started to lose my mind. After 13 hours I was seriously considering putting my head through the main cabin door, or maybe just jamming a pen into my eardrum.

In an effort to save my own sanity and the sanity of others, I've put together set of rules that I believe will lower murder-suicide rates around the world.

1. If you are going to be spending more than 5 hours with the same person, keep in mind that quiet time is okay. Don't feel obligated to fill the silence with stories about your dog or banana bread.

2. People generally don't want to hear the details of your home life; this includes the arrangement of your furniture and what you always keep in your fridge.

3. Pay attention of body language. For example; if someone is sitting hunched over, turned away from you, and only answers your questions with a couple of grunts, they probably aren't engage in the conversation anymore. Let it go.

4. When you are the only one laughing at your jokes, it isn't necessarily because we didn't understand it. Launching into a long explanation as to what you meant and why it was hilarious isn't going to help. You're probably just not that funny

5. No one, I repeat, no one wants to talk about random things like say oh, gelato, for more than an hour. In general, people will start to plot your violent demise, or their own, if you subject them to this type of conversation for too long. For your own safety, don't pick conversation topics related to frozen treats, recipes, your kids, hair products (I could go on) unless you have a background in Ju-jitsu.

6. Be mindful of personal space. While the size of the personal space bubble varies from country to country, be wary of getting to close. If you find that when you talk to people, you usually end up backing them into a corner so they can't escape, you might be violating their bubble. Take a step back, relax, and speak to them from a reasonable distance. You might find that its even preferable to speak with someone when you are far enough away from them to be able to focus your eyes.

While there are many other guidelines to follow outside of this list, I feel that these few basic pointers will do a world of good in reducing the incident rates of eardrum jabbing and flight attendant homicide

Colombia's Conflict

For some unknown reason I am fascinated by Colombia. Maybe is the combination of politics, human rights, guerrillas and Shakira. It’s hard to say, but I do like to keep up with the news coming out of the country.

The situation in Colombia right now is pretty grim. It’s currently listed as one of the most violent countries in the world, right up there with Iraq and Palestine.

The violence is primarily between paramilitary groups and the government, both vying for power. The paramilitiaries are based in the rural areas. There a quite a few different groups, ranging from the far right-wing to the far left. They not only fight the government but among themselves as well.

These guerrilla groups routinely recruit rural Colombians into their ranks, commonly through the use of force. The result of this violence has been the displacement of millions of people, kidnappings and murders. Narco-trafficking is also a massive problem in Colombia. Guerrilla groups use the land in rural areas to grow cocaine. They then process it and sell it for a huge profit. This income goes a long way in fueling their war on the government.

Up until recently the Colombian government has been fighting the guerrillas by burning their coca crops and chasing them off the land. While this works temporarily, it does nothing to address the actual problem. Guerrilla groups (such as the FARC) would not have been so successful in the first place if it wasn’t for the poverty and complete lack of infrastructure in the rural areas. The FARC provides education and medical facilities for Colombians in places where the government is completely absent.

Although Uribe seems to be taking a step in the right direction with his “Guns for Shovels” program, which gives guerrillas the opportunity to give up their guns in exchange for a job, he will need to directly address issues such as poverty. It seems to me that those millions of dollars being wasted could be better used by building schools, hospitals, roads and other facilities needed by poor Colombians. Because it is them in the end who bear the brunt of the violence.