The Haunting

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While watching the latest episode of "A Model Life" (Ahh the many trials and tribulations in the lives of 6 leggy albeit malnourished and somewhat bobbleheaded models) my TV suddenly changed channels....

Odd. I changed the channel back.

Click

The channel changed again.

I changed it back.

Click

It changed again.

Mildly creeped out I turned off the TV and went for a shower.

Mid-shower I heard a loud static sound coming from the other room. I walked back to the nightstand and came to the chilling realization that the radio had spontaneously turned on.

You know what is more unnerving than having a radio turn itself on? Not being able to turn it off. I actually had to unplug the alarm clock. (If you are thinking that it was the alarm going off it wasn't, I checked and it was set for 6:30am)

By this point my vivid imagination had run wild. Convinced that my room was haunted I realized that I still needed an alarm clock. Since mine was harbouring a demon I would have to call the front desk and request another, less haunted one.

I can only imagine how that conversation would have gone.

"Front desk"

"Oh hello, this is room 412. I need a new alarm clock as mine is currently harbouring a demon spirit. I fear that I will be struck with stigmata and am quite concerned that I will pull a Linda Blair at work tomorrow. Do you by chance offer an airline rate on exorcisms, or know where I might contact a priest?"

"I'm sorry Ma'am. The priest has left for the evening and we are unfortunately unable to vanquish any demons tonight. Perhaps you might try sleeping next to your complimentary Gideon Bible. I can have room service send some garlic up if you like."

"Oh not to worry. Stigmata won't be so bad. Speaking in tongues would actually be an asset at work. Good night."

"Good night Ma'am. Thanks for choosing The Ramada."

The Car Thieves Strike....Again

Unless you want to be hit by a meteor or struck by lightning you should probably not stand near KT. However feel free to park your car near hers though as inevitably her car will be stolen and yours will remain unharmed. Or so I learned...again.

Ol' Smokey and Kt's crime spree car sat side by side outside the house on Tuesday night. Hers was immaculately clean and without a single personal item left inside. The doors were locked and her club was on. Mine sat in front of hers, textbooks strewn in the back seat, trunk filled with winter jackets and other survival gear, dashboard adorned with a satellite radio AND an Ipod adapter, and no less than two Starbucks mugs in the front seat. The doors presumably were locked but the club was definitely off (and sitting on the passenger seat). And her car was stolen...again...

If your not keeping count that is one break-in and two thefts in just over six months.

I have come up with two theories to explain this unfortunate phenomenon.
1) Kt's car is incredibly easy to steal and very good for smoking crack in.
2) Car thieves really hate Kt. (Seriously, what did you do to Calgary's hardened criminals? Man, do they ever have it out for you).

Maybe it's a combination of both. We will never know. For now let us offer Kt our condolences on the sudden loss of her car...again.

Poor Kt, and she had just got the crack pipe smell out of the seats.

Adventures from the Centre of the Universe

You have a 24 hour layover in Toronto and a general idea of how to get around on the subway, what do you do? Why, tour the legislative parliamentary building of course!

And what an adventure it was!

This my friends, is a collectible celebrity doll of Sir John A MacDonald. Like every little girl I daydreamed about Sir John all the time. Sigh, he is so handsome.



According to my tour guide Michelle, this little beauty was a serious point of contention between Canadians and Americans for quite some time (I think it's safe to assume that she meant Canadian and Americans somehow involved in the preservation and restoration of unimportant pseudo-historical artifacts and not people in the general populace).
This mace (which is actually made of wood and just painted gold claaaassy) was stolen by the Americans (right before they burned down our parliament) in the 1800s. Those thieving rats kept our beloved (it was beloved to some I'm sure) mace for years until it was finally returned by Roosevelt. Good man, that Roosevelt.




This is a squirrel. I can only assume that he is also famous as I found him on a tree right beside the parliamentary building.



Stay tuned for more captivating photos from other exotic locations such as Ottawa's Currency Museum and the Inside Of My Hotel Room.

Her Name Was Lola...

Dear Flight Centre;

Stop making flights to Rio De Janeiro exactly half the cost of my tuition. I do not appreciate you taunting me every time I walk by one of your locations. Please jack up the prices listed on the signs in your windows. Otherwise, unsuspecting patrons, such as myself, see these and spend the rest of the afternoon daydreaming about dropping out of school and setting up a hot dog stand on Copacabana beach. It would also help if you stopped advertising such tempting locations. May I suggest that you try to boost sales on flights to Chechnya?


Yours Truly,

Bitty

The Amazing Racist

It was the first day of the pairing and I sat down next to Catie in the jumpseat as we prepared to take-off.

She leaned over and whispered "Oh by the way, I don't like the Asians. Would you mind dealing with the Asians on this flight?"

"Uhh, sure. I guess that's no problem..."

"I had these Koreans that moved into my house. They didn't even speak English!"

"Didn't you only speak German when you came to Canada Catie?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, I was just wondering."

A good way to start off four days together indeed.

The Confusing World of Cold Cuts

"What kind of sandwiches do you have?"

"We have assorted meats on a white bun, a turkey bacon and ham club on a whole wheat bun and chicken on a ciabatta bun."

"Oh, that sounds good, I'll have the turkey."

"The turkey bacon and ham club?"

"No, the turkey"

"The sandwich comes with turkey, bacon and ham on a whole wheat bun. It's one sandwich."

"Oh okay, the ham then."

"The turkey and the ham are the same sandwich..."

"Oh...well this is a little confusing. So, you are out of ham then?"

"No, we have one sandwich that has chicken on it, one has assorted meats on it and one has turkey AND bacon AND ham on it."

"Uhhh...I guess I'll just have the chicken then. I'll just get ham next time."

The Path to Peace is Paved with Pie

Premier avoided being pied today at the annual Stampede breakfast in Calgary



Ed Stelmach's first Stampede breakfast as premier was a memorable one for many of the wrong reasons, as he narrowly averted an attempted pieing by one of a handful of protesters on hand.

A young woman carrying a pie, which appeared to be banana cream, lunged toward Stelmach while he was serving pancakes at the annual premier's breakfast at Calgary's McDougall Centre.

The woman and the unwelcome dessert were intercepted by security detail about five feet from Stelmach, with the pie landing on one of the his security officers before falling to the ground in front of the table the premier was standing over.


Alberta premier Ed Stelmach gets pulled away by his security guard when a woman tried to throw a pie at him during his annual Calgary Stampede breakfast in Calgary, protester appeared to hold the pie in the air and yelled out to Stelmach, "I've got this pie for you premier."

Provincial sheriffs quickly swarmed and arrested the young woman carrying the pie, leading her away in handcuffs.

A second woman who appeared to be a companion of the arrested woman fled the scene.

"They were ready for her," said Paul Stanway, Stelmach's communications director. "They were on high alert for pie throwers."

Indeed, the incident brought back memories of 2003, when former premier Ralph Klein was pied at the annual Stampede breakfast at McDougall Centre.

Seniors Minister Greg Melchin, who was in the serving line next to Stelmach on Monday morning and saw the incident unfold, said the protester held the pie up in the air and said "I've got a pie for you premier. It's just a pie," Melchin recalled.

The young woman who carried the pie, lashed out at security as they arrested her, complaining about global warming and housing issues.

"Why am I being arrested for trying to hold the premier accountable to the citizens of Alberta?" she screamed. "Pretty cosy for the premier to be eating breakfast when people are homeless on the streets."

http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=423d1add-1d63-4b32-9f96-f5a28ee5862d&k=49959

Oh, how I love Canadian politics. Imagine how much better the world would be if countries utilized this approach in foreign policy. North Korea shooting missles at Japan again? Launch an oversized banana cream pie at them. By the time Kim Jung-Il washes the whipped topping out of his hair he will have forgotten why he was so angry in the first place. This really could be the first step on the road to world peace.

Redeye

My poor eyeballs.

Since junior high I have been a diehard contacts wearer. Well, until around this time last year that is. For some reason unbeknownst to me, my eyes decided to strike. They fully rejected my contacts causing my eyes to turn bloodshot within minutes of putting my lenses in.

Did that stop me? No, I was a diehard. I paraded around work with my watery red eyes, mentioning something about having a great time the night before doing meth with those hookers (because if people are going to judge you, you might as well give them a good reason too). But the fun was not to last. It wasn't long before the pain caused by my poor damaged eyes forced me to do the unthinkable, turn to glasses.

The problem that I have with glasses is two-fold. 1. My eyesight is terrible (I'm four or five points away from needing a guide dog). 2. I've been wearing glasses since the first grade. Anything that can be traced all the way back to early childhood tends to have some unpleasant memories associated with it.

However, my Judas eyes left me no choice, I starting wearing glasses everyday. I've continued to begrudgingly wear my glasses everyday with little to no complaint in the hope that one day I would reunite with my beloved lenses.

This weekend was my trial run. My friend's graduation was on Saturday. So, I got all dressed up and I went to her grad, sans glasses.

That was Saturday. Today is Monday.

Today I am staying inside. I've drawn the blinds and turned off the lights, hiding my watery, red, swollen eyeballs from the cruel, cruel world.

Okay eyes, you have won this round. I will give you one more year of glasses. If by next year you do not allow me to wear contacts I will start playing racquetball without goggles while waving pointy sticks around my face and having a bleach fight. Damn you eyeballs.


Day Two - A nice sort of pink-ish hue is developing