Thievery

Dear car thieves,

Why did you steal my sister's car? Why did you do it 3 days after Christmas? Why did I have to leave my new blanket in her car?

Stealing a neon is very unoriginal. Any two-bit thief can steal a neon. You should steal something a bit more exotic next time, may I suggest a Smart car? You could stash a stolen Smart car anywhere, according to the commercial that is. I could understand if you were hesitant in stealing a Smart car though. What if it outsmarted you? What if it began honking its horn and flashing its high beams on and off three times in a clear Morris Code fashion while you were mid-carjacking. How embarrassing.

I have many questions for you Car Thief...

How did you steal it in less than 15 minutes? You couldn't have known that we would be in Chinook for such a short period of time. Did you follow us the whole time we were in the parking lot? I am amazed at your incredible stealthiness. Like a lion stalking a couple of antelopes. A couple of antelopes hoping to take advantage of boxing day sales. Poor naive antelopes.

Why did you need another neon anyway? According to the police you have stolen 34 in the last 3 days. That seems a bit excessive to me. Is this a desperate attempt to conserve the environment, by stealing one car at a time? Was it a cry for attention? Sort of the adult version of hitting girls with sticks?

Do you realize that you stole this car from a student? A student who needs to drive herself to school every morning so she can care for sick people? I would like to assume that you are running some type of organization that drives orphans to Disneyland and you needed to add another vehicle to your convoy of charity. However, I am afraid that this is not the case. Not the case at all. Stupid lions.

Anyway Car Thieves, I think I have made myself clear. You are mean. I hope that you contract scabies and mange. I hope you are out casted from society and are forced to live under a bridge like a common troll. I hope you enjoy your life under the bridge, mange and all. Until one day you are hit by a car, a neon, and antelopes trample your remains. Perhaps that is a bit harsh, or perhaps you will deserve it.

Merry Christmas

NicoDerm Commercial

Thanks for finding this Ty/Christie

Strange But True

World's tallest man saves dolphin

The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.
Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.

Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.

Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.

Mr Bao was called in after surgical instruments failed

The mammals had lost their appetite and were suffering depression, aquarium officials said.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten.

He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said Mr Bao was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Local doctor Zhu Xiaoling told the state media agency Xinhua: "Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs.

"However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."



I felt the need to share this with all of you because it is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. Enjoy!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6178659.stm

The Dark Side of Diamonds

"Diamonds are forever" it is often said. But lives are not. We must spare people the ordeal of war, mutilations and death for the sake of conflict diamonds." Martin Chungong Ayafor, Chairman of the Sierra Leone Panel of Experts

"Blood Diamond" starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Connelly is gripping and heartbreaking and sadly, a true story.

The movie is set in Sierra Leone in the 1990s and illustrates the harsh reality of the blood diamond trade.

Rebel militias, known as the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) seized control of Sierra Leone's diamond-rich mines. They mined and sold the diamonds illegally, using the profits to finance their war against the government.

Countless appalling human rights abuses can be attributed to the trade of blood diamonds in Sierra Leone.

The RUF routinely kidnapped children and trained them as soldiers.


Rebels amputated the limbs of civilians, leaving them unable to work or support themselves. Just before a rebel cut off the arms of a villager they would ask “long sleeves or short sleeves?” This is one of the particularly haunting scenes depicted in Blood Diamond. The civil war resulted in deaths of fifty thousand people and left nearly a million in refugee camps.

The conflict in Sierra Leone has since ended. Many are still piecing their lives back together after the lengthy civil war. Since then much has been done to combat illicit diamond trade, including the Kimberly Process, which helps to weed out legitimate diamonds from those mined in conflict zones.

In spite of all that has been done countries such as Cote D’Ivoire and the Democratic Republic of the Congo are still ravaged by the blood diamond trade.

I urge everyone to see this movie for a better understanding of what blood diamonds are and how they affect the lives of millions of people. I also hope that this movie will encourge people to act because the violence will continue for as long as diamonds are profitable. It is important for consumers to ask questions and demand that their diamonds are conflict free.

The Pothead and the Monk

"So are you some type of monk?"

I was standing at the bus stop in Vancouver next to a man dressed in long, draping robes. This type of attire apparently invites unwanted attention from shady people, particularly the Pothead who asked if he was 'some type of monk'. (Just to be clear, I'm not just passing judgement on this fellow I dubbed as a Pothead, he was actually rolling a joint as this whole conversation occured.)

"Well yes I am"

"If you're a monk then give me some type of wisdom, you know about life.."

Get a job...lay off the drugs...shower...

"What makes you think that I have anything to tell you?"

Good answer monk

"You're a #@$! monk! Why won't you tell me about my life?"

Perhaps because he isn't a fortune teller, Dr.Phil or Sylvia Browne?

"Some #$@!* monk you are...Jesus Christ...Hey, do you believe in Christ?...He died on the cross you know...What did you ever do monk?"

I'm willing to bet alot more than you Pothead, he showered this morning

The monk was getting visibly uncomfortable at this point. Had he not been an actual monk he may have Tae-Kwon-Do'ed that Pothead all the way back to Stanely Park.

Ahh, this is why I love Vancouver. Who needs an ipod when you can listen to things like that?

Cosmic Irony

Cosmic irony is a sharp incongruity between our expectation of an outcome and what actually occurs, as if the universe were mocking us.

While walking to Starbuck's at the University today, Nadia and I were talking about the Education program. She will be attending the University next year and suffice to say she is a little less than convinced of how great the school is. She comes from a very small college in which she sees the same people day in and day out. I felt that she needed a little coaxing. I was doing my best to convince her that the University is in fact the greatest school.

"And we have three Tim Hortons! Seriously, three!"

I thought that I was beginning to convince her, I mean really, who can say no to a steaming hot cup of Tim's in the morning?

All was going well until she happened to look at the ground and she saw it.

There it was...lying against the stark white tiles...a giant turd.

"Oh my God..." She whispered in horror

Right in the middle of the University hallway was a giant turd partially smushed, probably by the winter boot of some poor unsuspecting student.

How did it get there? Who did this? Why were we still looking at it?

The irony of the situation was inescapable. Right as I was beginning to make some headway in convincing her that the University is wonderful we come across human feces. This was not going to help my case.

I tried to justify it for at least half and hour afterwards, but I really wasn't even convincing myself. Sometimes there just isn't a good explanation for things like that.

Aside from being thoroughly sickened by the whole situation her main concern now was having to go to class at the University. How could she ever talk to someone in class without suspecting that they were the culprits that left the giant turd in the hallway?

I had no answer for her. All I know is that I sincerely hope that it is gone tomorrow, because I don't know if I can face a steaming turd before I get my steaming cup of Tim's.

In Between Iraq and a Hard Place

For those who are interested in Iraq...

http://www.baghdadalive.com/

This is a great website, it has blogs, webcams, photos etc. posted by people living in Baghdad.

Future Dwight

Encounters of the gross kind

As you might have noticed, I enjoy sharing all of the gross things I encounter at work. There is something about being 41,000 feet in the air, locked in a metal tube that occasionally gets shaken that seems to magnify the grossness of certain things.

This is a short list of the gross things I encountered this weekend:

In Seat Pockets:
-Chewing Tobacco
-A diaper
-Cup of coffee (full)
-Half a burger
-Kleenexes (used...very used)

Under the Seat:
-Something orange and sticky
-Vomit
-A sock (dirty...very dirty)
-Cheerios, some eaten, some almost eaten

Who's hungry!?

A True McStory

This is a true story, as told to me by one of the flight attendants I worked with.


Flying to Toronto one evening, the call button rang in the back galley. Nathan looked out to see where it was coming from when he noticed a lady pushing the call button while holding her face right next to the air vent on the console above her seat. Nathan walked over to her.

"Did you need something ma'am?"

"Oh, well yes, I was trying to order a Diet Pepsi, but it seems that my speaker is broken."

"I'm sorry, you said you were trying to order a Diet Pepsi? Through this air vent?"

"Yes, isn't that how I order?"

"We don't actually have speakers there ma'am, its just an air vent...I will get you that drink though, Diet Pepsi was it?"

Oh how I wish I could have been there!

Lost in Translation

Presenting the next installment of the "Pretzel Cookie" saga


Scene 1:

"Pretzels or Cookies?"

"Ginger Ale"

"Pretzels or Cookies...?"

"You don't have any ginger ale??"

"Well yes we do, but, as you can see, I only have pretzels and cookies with me. Would you like one?"

Scene 2:

"Pretzels or cookies?"

"What are my other options?"

"Well...basically I just have the pretzels and the cookies, but you can eat this napkin here if those don't appeal to you"

Scene 3:

I am holding the snack bin low, so that the gentleman can see what it contains.

"Pretzels or cookies?"

Man looks into bin, looks at me, looks into the bin...

"What?"


Sigh...