No Fly Zone

Ottawa has announced plans for new security upgrades, including barring some people from flying on commercial flights. Under the program, the government will identify people who pose "an immediate threat to aviation security" and will work with airlines to stop those people from flying, said Transport Minister Jean Lapierre.

In light of Canada's recently released No-Fly list, I have created my own No-Fly list. I've compiled a list of people that I myself have deemed unfit to fly.

Old People - I have nothing against old people in general. I'm not by any means suggesting that we reinstate the ancient practice of setting our elderly citizen adrift on icebergs. I am merely suggesting that should not be allowed to fly. Ever. While this sounds a tinsy bit drastic, let me explain. Old people whine, a lot. It's too cold, the tea is too hot, the plane is too loud. I didn't realize that I had been so spoiled with my own grandparents. My grandparents are the best people I know. As it turns out, most are not this way.

People with Communicable Diseases - People who leave behind a seat pocket full of snotty Kleenexes should not be allowed on a plane. (By the way, I include crazy in my list of communicable diseases, because in my experience crazy is just that; communicable and a disease).

Kids - I didn't add kids to this list just because I hold a deep grudge against them, I added them because they are messy. Even if kids aren't eating Cheerios, they tend to leave a mushy, soggy, Cheerios trail behind them wherever they go, like slugs. I grimace when I hand anyone under the age of 10 a cookie because I know that a few hours later I will be on all fours scraping ground-up cookie off the carpet.

Athletes - Sorry athletes, it isn't personal. You are much to huge to be in an aisle seat and make it difficult for me to walk through. May I suggest the Greyhound? Plenty-O-elbow room there my friends.

Business Men - I've already addressed my beef with business class in a previous post. However, I just wanted to be to clear that no one traveling for any type of business will be permitted to fly according to my list.

My plan is to limit air travel to well-behaved, middle aged, childless women who are unemployed. This will not only increase flight safety, it will also be conducive to the prolonged sanity of your local flight attendant.