On Notice/Dead to Me

On Notice/Dead to Me:

(as ripped off from my good friend Stephen Colbert, of the Colbert Report)

Katie - The human incubator for a number of diseases, one of which you so generously spread to me. If you had allowed me to put you in quarantine like I wanted to do originally I never would have gotten sick. You are harboring terrorists (of the microscopic kind) and I do not negotiate with terrorists or those who harbor them. When you get home tonight you will find all of your stuff wrapped in plastic in the alley.

Christie - Because I never get to see you anymore. I'm sorry, but we just can't both go to school and work at the same time. To solve this I took the liberty of withdrawing you from your courses and sent a letter of resignation to your work. So it is safe to assume you are now free this weekend then?

My Middle Eastern Politics Prof - Stop making us feel guilty for being privileged, spoiled, white kids who know nothing of the outside world. No, we didn't all read the 100+ page report published by Johns Hopkins University regarding the number of Iraqi civilian deaths. This is not because we hate Arabs as you so subtly implied, it is because we don't have time. Also, no more making us buy textbooks that you wrote. I don't want to give you any more money until your teaching begins to reflect it.

The Angry Palestinian Guy in My Middle Eastern Politics Class - Stop being so angry. You are not going to fight any stereotypes by being another angry Palestinian guy. Try something more constructive, like interpretive dance.

Winter - Stop being so cold you jerk. My car still doesn't have heat and I'm freezing.

Rappers - Stop buying diamonds. You complain about how oppressed black people are and how much suffering they endure. Well, if you really believe this than stop buying diamonds that are mined by malnourished children from the poorest African countries. The diamonds that are then sold for a profit, which goes entirely to the local warlord, who uses the money to finance his militia and participate in the small arms trade, who then uses the weapons bought through the arms trade to further oppress the malnourished children. I don't know if you see the hypocrisy in that, but I do. And you're On Notice.